I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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