i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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