He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
