He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
