I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
