It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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