I am in a vortex of obligation.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm getting married
To pizza
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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