just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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