so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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