VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I have tasted many bathrooms
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
