I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
