Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
