I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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