She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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