well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
