there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
