I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
