New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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