i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
