you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
