I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Randomize
