Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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