im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize