wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
