my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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