I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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