I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
