I'm going to jail i love you
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
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