Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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