he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
