I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
