We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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