My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
