btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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