turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
