So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
