my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
