and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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