I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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