I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
