Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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