if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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