I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
