if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
