i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
