Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
