Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
