I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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