i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
