i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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