Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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