Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
