I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
