Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
