btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
