I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
