he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
