Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
How's work?
Spinning.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
