Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
