so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
wow bdsm is so cute
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
