I didn't shave. On purpose
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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