I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
