Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We're too hungover to prance.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize